But seeking control can also be about feeling helpless, and seeking power outside of ourselves can be a result of feeling that we have none within.

When we want power over someone or something, there may really be a part of us that feels empty or out of control. Taking resources, winning status and position, and dictating circumstances can make us feel more secure. Making others dependent on us, devaluing or dehumanizing them can make us feel more superior and valuable.  But it’s never quite enough because we are never really ‘full’.

On the other end of the scale, we may seek strong and capable others to take the lead in our lives and relinquish our power and responsibility to those who have what we feel we lack. We may not have healthy boundaries to assert our value because on some level, we do not recognize it in ourselves. Rather, it is all too easy to project that value onto others and then find ourselves dependent on them for it, seeking their favor and approval.

All of us are capable of veering off in either extreme, with different people and in various circumstances. We all live on the spectrum of power, capable of becoming the perpetrator or the victim depending on the context. A balance of power can mean being responsible with its use, neither going too far out, (taking others’ self-authority away) nor too far in, (abdicating self-authority to others).